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The Jubilee Sov'rin

On Jubilee Day the Ramsbottoms Asked all their relations to tea, Including young Albert's Grandmother An awkward old party were she. She'd seen Queen Victoria's Jub'lee And her weddin' to Albert the Good, And got quite upset when young Albert Asked how she'd got on in the Flood. She cast quite a damper on t' party, But cheered up a bit after tea And gave Albert a real golden sov'rin She'd saved since the last Jubilee. It had picture of t' Queen on t' one side And a dragon fight on the reverse; It tasted of camphor and cobwebs Through being so long in her purse. Albert cuddled the coin and he kissed it, And felt tho rough edge with his tongue, For he knew by the look on his father It wouldn't be his very long. " Shall I get you your money-box, Albert ? " Said Mother so coaxing and sweet, And Albert let drop an expression He must have picked up in the street. " I'll show you a trick with that sov'rin," Said Pa, who were hovering near; Then he took and pretended to eat it And brought it back out of his ear. This magic filled Albert wi' wonder, And before you could say "Uncle Dick " He'd got the coin back from his father And performed the first part of the trick. When they saw as he'd swallered his sov'rin With excitement his relatives burned, And each one suggested some process For getting the money returned. Some were for fishing wi' tweezers, Some were for shaking it out; If they only got back a few shillings They said 'twould be better than nowt' They tried holding Albert head downwards, And giving his back a good thump; Then his Uncle, who worked for a chemist, Said " There's nowt for it but stummick pump." They hadn't a stummick pump 'andy, But Pa did the best that he could With a bicycle pump as he'd borrowed, But that weren't a ha'porth of good. At the finish they sent for the Doctor, Who looked down his throat through a glass, And said "Aye, this'll mean operation, I'm afraid as he'll have to have gas." " How much is this 'ere going to cost us ? " Said Father, beginning to squirm; Said the Doctor " It comes quite expensive, The gas will be eightpence a therm." Then there's my time, four shillings an hour, You can't do these things in two ticks; By rights I should charge you a guinea, But I'll do it for eighteen and six." " What, eighteen and six to get sov'rin ? " Said Father; "That doesn't sound sense. I'll tell you what, you'd best keep Albert And give me the odd eighteen-pence." The Doctor concurred this arrangement And to this day remains in some doubt As to whether he's in eighteen shillings Or whether he's eighteen-pence out.